Sunday, January 22, 2006
I laughed so hard I sweat my pants.
Some time ago I used the term “Cold as Shit.” And, of course, someone inevitably pointed out to me that shit isn’t cold. Once again the rusty wheels started turning and it occurred to me that there aren’t any good similes to describe cold. For instance, I often use the term “cold as shit,” but I can tell you as a new father with marginal thumb guidance that shit is not cold. In fact it’s right up there close to 98.6. “Cold as Hell.” There’s another one. Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of religion knows that Hell isn’t cold. In fact, I believe it’s quite hot and filled with sweaty fat guys with fire and hot rocks. I saw it in the movies once and it definitely was not cold. One of my personal favorites has always been “Cold as a Witches Tit.” That one has a lot of charisma. And, while I have never dated a witch, were I to do so, and say we were to drink a six pack and start dancing to Bon Jovi and I were to cop a feel, I imagine her breast would clock in somewhere close to 98.6 degrees. I mean look at Bewitched. You’re tryin’ to tell me that Samantha Stevens had cold boobs. I think not! First, Darren (Durwood) never would have stuck around if that were the case. Secondly, Elizabeth Montgomery was smoken’ hot.
So why are our similes for Cold so wrong? Nobody ever says “Man, it’s cold as ice out there.” “Wow, I was in Buffalo last week and it was as cold as liquid nitrogen.” Not only are these not interesting, they’re not funny. Correct, but not funny. And what’s the point of using a simile if it doesn’t make you snicker inside…even a little bit. So where’s the problem? I gave it a lot of thought and research (about three beers) and I condensed it down to one concept that I will call “Rule of comedy #117.” Yes, there are that many rules. Comedy is very complicated. The dynamics of the Three Stooges alone would take days to explain. That’s why women don’t get The Stooges. No guy will actually take the time to explain it to them. It takes too long. We’re too busy…drinkin’ beer…watchin’ The Stooges…important stuff. “For God’s sake honey, I’m doing complicated research, leave me alone…but before you go, could you get me another beer...it’s in the name of science!”
The new rule is “the warmer…the funnier.” It’s true. Hot things are funnier than cold. I’ll give you an example. Though the pain and suffering was considerable, I think we can all agree my adventures in welding hit pretty high on the funny-o-meter. And, since there’s not many things warmer than molten steel, until I get some sort of device that will melt solid rock, I think we have reached the peak in thermal humor. If you saw some guy with an ice cube tied to his foot, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as if his foot was on fire. True? Be honest! Now, like any great rule of science, there is one exception to the “warmer is funnier” rule. That, of course, would be the legendary “tongue stuck to the frozen pole.” It’s hard to find temperature related humor funnier than that. Although…it really is the tongue that makes that one funny…so…really…ok, the rule stands. Warm…Funny!
Some time ago I used the term “Cold as Shit.” And, of course, someone inevitably pointed out to me that shit isn’t cold. Once again the rusty wheels started turning and it occurred to me that there aren’t any good similes to describe cold. For instance, I often use the term “cold as shit,” but I can tell you as a new father with marginal thumb guidance that shit is not cold. In fact it’s right up there close to 98.6. “Cold as Hell.” There’s another one. Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of religion knows that Hell isn’t cold. In fact, I believe it’s quite hot and filled with sweaty fat guys with fire and hot rocks. I saw it in the movies once and it definitely was not cold. One of my personal favorites has always been “Cold as a Witches Tit.” That one has a lot of charisma. And, while I have never dated a witch, were I to do so, and say we were to drink a six pack and start dancing to Bon Jovi and I were to cop a feel, I imagine her breast would clock in somewhere close to 98.6 degrees. I mean look at Bewitched. You’re tryin’ to tell me that Samantha Stevens had cold boobs. I think not! First, Darren (Durwood) never would have stuck around if that were the case. Secondly, Elizabeth Montgomery was smoken’ hot.
So why are our similes for Cold so wrong? Nobody ever says “Man, it’s cold as ice out there.” “Wow, I was in Buffalo last week and it was as cold as liquid nitrogen.” Not only are these not interesting, they’re not funny. Correct, but not funny. And what’s the point of using a simile if it doesn’t make you snicker inside…even a little bit. So where’s the problem? I gave it a lot of thought and research (about three beers) and I condensed it down to one concept that I will call “Rule of comedy #117.” Yes, there are that many rules. Comedy is very complicated. The dynamics of the Three Stooges alone would take days to explain. That’s why women don’t get The Stooges. No guy will actually take the time to explain it to them. It takes too long. We’re too busy…drinkin’ beer…watchin’ The Stooges…important stuff. “For God’s sake honey, I’m doing complicated research, leave me alone…but before you go, could you get me another beer...it’s in the name of science!”
The new rule is “the warmer…the funnier.” It’s true. Hot things are funnier than cold. I’ll give you an example. Though the pain and suffering was considerable, I think we can all agree my adventures in welding hit pretty high on the funny-o-meter. And, since there’s not many things warmer than molten steel, until I get some sort of device that will melt solid rock, I think we have reached the peak in thermal humor. If you saw some guy with an ice cube tied to his foot, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as if his foot was on fire. True? Be honest! Now, like any great rule of science, there is one exception to the “warmer is funnier” rule. That, of course, would be the legendary “tongue stuck to the frozen pole.” It’s hard to find temperature related humor funnier than that. Although…it really is the tongue that makes that one funny…so…really…ok, the rule stands. Warm…Funny!
// posted by Chris @ Sunday, January 22, 2006
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