Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hezbollah Haberdasher
OK, I think I have accidentally discovered the secret to World Peace. Here goes:
The recent events in Lebanon have illuminated a certain truism to me. “It’s hard to beat the crap out of more than one person at a time.” As we all know, Israel and Lebanon (pronounced Hezbollah) were fighting because Lebanon (pronounced Hezbollah) allegedly kidnapped two Israeli soldiers. I say “allegedly” because, of course, that’s not what really happened. I have it on reliable info from Robert Novak (ha ha ha…good one) that one of the Hezbollah guys said something about one of the Israeli’s mother. And, as we all know you never say something about another guy’s mom. Well, one thing led to another, more words were exchanged, something about the Hezbollah guy’s sister and boom…the whole thing spun out of control. Any way, think about it... Hezbollah wasn’t really attacking anyone else while they were fighting with Israel. And Israel wasn’t stirring up any trouble while it was fighting with Hezbollah. I think that’s why our administration didn’t really come out on anyone’s side in the conflict. They knew that while these two were fighting, they would leave everyone else alone. So why intervene? That president of ours is a pretty smart…
Uh…
Yea….Anyway…The trick is to identify the aggressors and then get them involved in a conflict that will contain them, then the rest of us live in peace. Easy! The trick is how to discover who the enemy is.
Now here’s the clever part that I discovered. If I ask you “who is the enemy?” You say (sound of a bell going Ding!) Islamic Terrorists…right? Wrong!
Here’s a clue: In the last 50 years, when have we not been at peace?
Let’s see…Vietnam, Gulf War I, Gulf war II. Do you see it yet? No?
Here’s another clue: Who were the Presidents responsible for prosecuting those wars?
Lynden B. Johnson, George I, and George II. You see it now, don’t you?
Last clue: What do they all have in common?…Texas!
Presidents from Texas start wars! (ding…ding…ding…ding) Thanks for playing.
In all honesty, on serious reflection, I have discovered that it is not their fault. That’s right, the real blame falls squarely on the Ten Gallon Hat! Yes, I said it, Ten Gallon Hat. You see, when a little boy is born in Texas, he is immediately immersed in the aura and legend of Texas. He learns of the lonely cowpoke…
(ya know, since “Broke Back Mountain” came out, I’m uncomfortable with the term Cowpoke. How about Cow Hand…nope…still not right. I know, in the interest of political correctness we’ll just say Cow Person.)
The lonely Cow Person riding across the range with his/her six-shooter at his/her side and a Ten Gallon Hat. Boys in Texas grow up thinking that this is the image of a man and they need to be that man. But today’s culture doesn’t allow them to dress like that because if they did, other Texans would beet the crap out of them because, let’s face it’, Ten Gallon Hats look kinda gay. So, the unsatisfied Texas man has to find other outlets for his masculine needs like tearing the sleeves off his shirts and raising his pickup truck until the center of gravity is dangerously high. All to appease his thirst for large hats…and to impress chicks with unusually large hairdos. Hey…Maybe that’s why their hairdos are so large. They use them to excite the Ten Gallon Hat Gene found in Texas men. Oh Darwin, where are you when I need you. Of course, if you come from a family where this behavior is not allowed, you just wait around until you’re president and then start a war.
So "What’s the answer?” you say. Well I thought long and hard about this while I was shaving in Kansas City yesterday. At first I thought we could outlaw Western Haberdashery. But it’s not the hats themselves, it’s the legend of the hats that’s the problem. Outlawing the hats would only turn them into martyrs. Then I thought we could bar people from Texas from running for President. But, there might be Constitutional problems with that and, while that might not matter to the current administration, it’s pretty important to me. Then it hit me…Get Texas involved in a conflict that would occupy their time and then none of them would run for president and Bam! Bob’s your uncle…World Peace.
So, the Conflict. How to start it and with who? I figure it has to be a neighbor so I immediately thought of Louisiana. But they're still smarting from Katrina and most of New Orleans moved to Texas afterward so there might be conflicts of interest. Next, I considered Mexico. They’re not doing anything right now and it would have the secondary effect of slowing illegal immigration because nobody wants to sneak across a war zone. But, then I remembered the last time Texas and Mexico skirmished. Remember the Alamo? I wouldn’t want Texas to get it’s ass kicked to bad so I have settled on New Mexico. I mean, it’s got Mexico right in the name. Only now it’s “New and Improved Mexico”. Fighting will break out “…down in the west Texas town of El Paso.” (I love that song) I see it all...The battle for Las Cruces...Remember the Albuquerque!...World Peace.
So, in the interest of Global Harmony and as a service to my fellow man I raise my voice and say…"Hey Texas…Did you hear what New Mexico said about your mother?”
OK, I think I have accidentally discovered the secret to World Peace. Here goes:
The recent events in Lebanon have illuminated a certain truism to me. “It’s hard to beat the crap out of more than one person at a time.” As we all know, Israel and Lebanon (pronounced Hezbollah) were fighting because Lebanon (pronounced Hezbollah) allegedly kidnapped two Israeli soldiers. I say “allegedly” because, of course, that’s not what really happened. I have it on reliable info from Robert Novak (ha ha ha…good one) that one of the Hezbollah guys said something about one of the Israeli’s mother. And, as we all know you never say something about another guy’s mom. Well, one thing led to another, more words were exchanged, something about the Hezbollah guy’s sister and boom…the whole thing spun out of control. Any way, think about it... Hezbollah wasn’t really attacking anyone else while they were fighting with Israel. And Israel wasn’t stirring up any trouble while it was fighting with Hezbollah. I think that’s why our administration didn’t really come out on anyone’s side in the conflict. They knew that while these two were fighting, they would leave everyone else alone. So why intervene? That president of ours is a pretty smart…
Uh…
Yea….Anyway…The trick is to identify the aggressors and then get them involved in a conflict that will contain them, then the rest of us live in peace. Easy! The trick is how to discover who the enemy is.
Now here’s the clever part that I discovered. If I ask you “who is the enemy?” You say (sound of a bell going Ding!) Islamic Terrorists…right? Wrong!
Here’s a clue: In the last 50 years, when have we not been at peace?
Let’s see…Vietnam, Gulf War I, Gulf war II. Do you see it yet? No?
Here’s another clue: Who were the Presidents responsible for prosecuting those wars?
Lynden B. Johnson, George I, and George II. You see it now, don’t you?
Last clue: What do they all have in common?…Texas!
Presidents from Texas start wars! (ding…ding…ding…ding) Thanks for playing.
In all honesty, on serious reflection, I have discovered that it is not their fault. That’s right, the real blame falls squarely on the Ten Gallon Hat! Yes, I said it, Ten Gallon Hat. You see, when a little boy is born in Texas, he is immediately immersed in the aura and legend of Texas. He learns of the lonely cowpoke…
(ya know, since “Broke Back Mountain” came out, I’m uncomfortable with the term Cowpoke. How about Cow Hand…nope…still not right. I know, in the interest of political correctness we’ll just say Cow Person.)
The lonely Cow Person riding across the range with his/her six-shooter at his/her side and a Ten Gallon Hat. Boys in Texas grow up thinking that this is the image of a man and they need to be that man. But today’s culture doesn’t allow them to dress like that because if they did, other Texans would beet the crap out of them because, let’s face it’, Ten Gallon Hats look kinda gay. So, the unsatisfied Texas man has to find other outlets for his masculine needs like tearing the sleeves off his shirts and raising his pickup truck until the center of gravity is dangerously high. All to appease his thirst for large hats…and to impress chicks with unusually large hairdos. Hey…Maybe that’s why their hairdos are so large. They use them to excite the Ten Gallon Hat Gene found in Texas men. Oh Darwin, where are you when I need you. Of course, if you come from a family where this behavior is not allowed, you just wait around until you’re president and then start a war.
So "What’s the answer?” you say. Well I thought long and hard about this while I was shaving in Kansas City yesterday. At first I thought we could outlaw Western Haberdashery. But it’s not the hats themselves, it’s the legend of the hats that’s the problem. Outlawing the hats would only turn them into martyrs. Then I thought we could bar people from Texas from running for President. But, there might be Constitutional problems with that and, while that might not matter to the current administration, it’s pretty important to me. Then it hit me…Get Texas involved in a conflict that would occupy their time and then none of them would run for president and Bam! Bob’s your uncle…World Peace.
So, the Conflict. How to start it and with who? I figure it has to be a neighbor so I immediately thought of Louisiana. But they're still smarting from Katrina and most of New Orleans moved to Texas afterward so there might be conflicts of interest. Next, I considered Mexico. They’re not doing anything right now and it would have the secondary effect of slowing illegal immigration because nobody wants to sneak across a war zone. But, then I remembered the last time Texas and Mexico skirmished. Remember the Alamo? I wouldn’t want Texas to get it’s ass kicked to bad so I have settled on New Mexico. I mean, it’s got Mexico right in the name. Only now it’s “New and Improved Mexico”. Fighting will break out “…down in the west Texas town of El Paso.” (I love that song) I see it all...The battle for Las Cruces...Remember the Albuquerque!...World Peace.
So, in the interest of Global Harmony and as a service to my fellow man I raise my voice and say…"Hey Texas…Did you hear what New Mexico said about your mother?”
// posted by Chris @ Wednesday, September 20, 2006
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