Tuesday, January 31, 2006
OK Kid, You're in Deep Shit.
In reference to my last post:
I have a question for the fathers out there. When changing a really messy diaper, it is not uncommon for my son to put a hand in the poo...so to speak. Oh, sometimes it's a foot, which, with my flexibility, is hard to fathom. The point is that it really complicates the clean up. My question is this: At what age can I assume that it is no longer an accident and that he is just fuckin' with me? Because sometimes when he does it, he's got this look in his eye like "Take that bitch!"
By the way, my Uncle Bill wrote me with some other similes for cold and while reading his note, it occurred to me that he was the one who originally mentioned to me that shit wasn't cold. I just wanted to say thanks. Of course, it makes sense that he would have noticed the mistake in the first place because he's a professional arbitrator and a rather bright man. He has an eye for detail. Thanks UB.
He's also, by far, the tannest man I have ever met. In his earlier days, he would have given George Hamilton a race for his money. I have to admit he is from Florida. I think it's a law there. You have 60 days from move-in date to bronze up or it's out. I think that's why there are very few British people in Florida. After 60 days, you go down to the DMV and they hold a color chart next to your face and if you’re not darker than Sherwin Williams Smoky Almond #4, you're gone. They deport you to Georgia...unless your IQ is less than 70 then Georgia won't take you and you have to go to Alabama. Thanks again Uncle Bill!
In reference to my last post:
I have a question for the fathers out there. When changing a really messy diaper, it is not uncommon for my son to put a hand in the poo...so to speak. Oh, sometimes it's a foot, which, with my flexibility, is hard to fathom. The point is that it really complicates the clean up. My question is this: At what age can I assume that it is no longer an accident and that he is just fuckin' with me? Because sometimes when he does it, he's got this look in his eye like "Take that bitch!"
By the way, my Uncle Bill wrote me with some other similes for cold and while reading his note, it occurred to me that he was the one who originally mentioned to me that shit wasn't cold. I just wanted to say thanks. Of course, it makes sense that he would have noticed the mistake in the first place because he's a professional arbitrator and a rather bright man. He has an eye for detail. Thanks UB.
He's also, by far, the tannest man I have ever met. In his earlier days, he would have given George Hamilton a race for his money. I have to admit he is from Florida. I think it's a law there. You have 60 days from move-in date to bronze up or it's out. I think that's why there are very few British people in Florida. After 60 days, you go down to the DMV and they hold a color chart next to your face and if you’re not darker than Sherwin Williams Smoky Almond #4, you're gone. They deport you to Georgia...unless your IQ is less than 70 then Georgia won't take you and you have to go to Alabama. Thanks again Uncle Bill!
// posted by Chris @ Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I laughed so hard I sweat my pants.
Some time ago I used the term “Cold as Shit.” And, of course, someone inevitably pointed out to me that shit isn’t cold. Once again the rusty wheels started turning and it occurred to me that there aren’t any good similes to describe cold. For instance, I often use the term “cold as shit,” but I can tell you as a new father with marginal thumb guidance that shit is not cold. In fact it’s right up there close to 98.6. “Cold as Hell.” There’s another one. Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of religion knows that Hell isn’t cold. In fact, I believe it’s quite hot and filled with sweaty fat guys with fire and hot rocks. I saw it in the movies once and it definitely was not cold. One of my personal favorites has always been “Cold as a Witches Tit.” That one has a lot of charisma. And, while I have never dated a witch, were I to do so, and say we were to drink a six pack and start dancing to Bon Jovi and I were to cop a feel, I imagine her breast would clock in somewhere close to 98.6 degrees. I mean look at Bewitched. You’re tryin’ to tell me that Samantha Stevens had cold boobs. I think not! First, Darren (Durwood) never would have stuck around if that were the case. Secondly, Elizabeth Montgomery was smoken’ hot.
So why are our similes for Cold so wrong? Nobody ever says “Man, it’s cold as ice out there.” “Wow, I was in Buffalo last week and it was as cold as liquid nitrogen.” Not only are these not interesting, they’re not funny. Correct, but not funny. And what’s the point of using a simile if it doesn’t make you snicker inside…even a little bit. So where’s the problem? I gave it a lot of thought and research (about three beers) and I condensed it down to one concept that I will call “Rule of comedy #117.” Yes, there are that many rules. Comedy is very complicated. The dynamics of the Three Stooges alone would take days to explain. That’s why women don’t get The Stooges. No guy will actually take the time to explain it to them. It takes too long. We’re too busy…drinkin’ beer…watchin’ The Stooges…important stuff. “For God’s sake honey, I’m doing complicated research, leave me alone…but before you go, could you get me another beer...it’s in the name of science!”
The new rule is “the warmer…the funnier.” It’s true. Hot things are funnier than cold. I’ll give you an example. Though the pain and suffering was considerable, I think we can all agree my adventures in welding hit pretty high on the funny-o-meter. And, since there’s not many things warmer than molten steel, until I get some sort of device that will melt solid rock, I think we have reached the peak in thermal humor. If you saw some guy with an ice cube tied to his foot, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as if his foot was on fire. True? Be honest! Now, like any great rule of science, there is one exception to the “warmer is funnier” rule. That, of course, would be the legendary “tongue stuck to the frozen pole.” It’s hard to find temperature related humor funnier than that. Although…it really is the tongue that makes that one funny…so…really…ok, the rule stands. Warm…Funny!
Some time ago I used the term “Cold as Shit.” And, of course, someone inevitably pointed out to me that shit isn’t cold. Once again the rusty wheels started turning and it occurred to me that there aren’t any good similes to describe cold. For instance, I often use the term “cold as shit,” but I can tell you as a new father with marginal thumb guidance that shit is not cold. In fact it’s right up there close to 98.6. “Cold as Hell.” There’s another one. Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of religion knows that Hell isn’t cold. In fact, I believe it’s quite hot and filled with sweaty fat guys with fire and hot rocks. I saw it in the movies once and it definitely was not cold. One of my personal favorites has always been “Cold as a Witches Tit.” That one has a lot of charisma. And, while I have never dated a witch, were I to do so, and say we were to drink a six pack and start dancing to Bon Jovi and I were to cop a feel, I imagine her breast would clock in somewhere close to 98.6 degrees. I mean look at Bewitched. You’re tryin’ to tell me that Samantha Stevens had cold boobs. I think not! First, Darren (Durwood) never would have stuck around if that were the case. Secondly, Elizabeth Montgomery was smoken’ hot.
So why are our similes for Cold so wrong? Nobody ever says “Man, it’s cold as ice out there.” “Wow, I was in Buffalo last week and it was as cold as liquid nitrogen.” Not only are these not interesting, they’re not funny. Correct, but not funny. And what’s the point of using a simile if it doesn’t make you snicker inside…even a little bit. So where’s the problem? I gave it a lot of thought and research (about three beers) and I condensed it down to one concept that I will call “Rule of comedy #117.” Yes, there are that many rules. Comedy is very complicated. The dynamics of the Three Stooges alone would take days to explain. That’s why women don’t get The Stooges. No guy will actually take the time to explain it to them. It takes too long. We’re too busy…drinkin’ beer…watchin’ The Stooges…important stuff. “For God’s sake honey, I’m doing complicated research, leave me alone…but before you go, could you get me another beer...it’s in the name of science!”
The new rule is “the warmer…the funnier.” It’s true. Hot things are funnier than cold. I’ll give you an example. Though the pain and suffering was considerable, I think we can all agree my adventures in welding hit pretty high on the funny-o-meter. And, since there’s not many things warmer than molten steel, until I get some sort of device that will melt solid rock, I think we have reached the peak in thermal humor. If you saw some guy with an ice cube tied to his foot, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as if his foot was on fire. True? Be honest! Now, like any great rule of science, there is one exception to the “warmer is funnier” rule. That, of course, would be the legendary “tongue stuck to the frozen pole.” It’s hard to find temperature related humor funnier than that. Although…it really is the tongue that makes that one funny…so…really…ok, the rule stands. Warm…Funny!
// posted by Chris @ Sunday, January 22, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Adam Bomb
I was listening to Adam Carolla on the radio the other day. He's taken over the time slot from Howard Stern now that Howard is on Sirius Satellite Radio. He's pretty funny and much more tame compared to Howard. He made an observation the other day that I thought was pretty funny and rather wise. He was reading a news story regarding someone who made a home made bomb and tried to blow up his neighbor's house. Adam commented:
"I think from now on I'm going to stop referring to them as 'home made' bombs. I mean...until someone opens a Bomb Depot or a Earl's Bomb Emporium can't we just assume they're all home made."
I love it!
I was listening to Adam Carolla on the radio the other day. He's taken over the time slot from Howard Stern now that Howard is on Sirius Satellite Radio. He's pretty funny and much more tame compared to Howard. He made an observation the other day that I thought was pretty funny and rather wise. He was reading a news story regarding someone who made a home made bomb and tried to blow up his neighbor's house. Adam commented:
"I think from now on I'm going to stop referring to them as 'home made' bombs. I mean...until someone opens a Bomb Depot or a Earl's Bomb Emporium can't we just assume they're all home made."
I love it!
// posted by Chris @ Sunday, January 15, 2006
